Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Drunk walkin through police station. America
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I hate being the only medical professional in the group. I always end up patching you guys or being the DD when I'm on call. I have problems I need to drown in booze too...
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
I'm willing to share. He can have sloppy seconds.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize
