WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I got to walk around for eight hours wearing power armor and acting camp. No way I wouldn't love it.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
