Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
His mom came while we were asleep naked and started asking me about my plans after high school... Is that even a thing.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
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