I plan on using my big titties for evil tonight.
nothing like a negative hiv test and a bag of condoms to brighten my day.
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Fuck it. I'm going for it. You're only young once, right?
You've been saying that for 5 years now. Let me know when the novelty wears off.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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