so when am I gonna get some from you?
when you dick grows 3 inches
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
i think that after ALREADY drinking that much, the tube shots may have been a bad idea.. i mean afterall, i did wake up and find my cell phone IN the bonfire the next morning.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
Randomize
