I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
He choked me out. i woke up to poo. I dont think i like S&M
i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Sorry for eating those cheese fries out of your hands last night
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
