The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Can I just say I love the fact that were in business with guys where I can write a hand job up hoes down text message
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
