9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook
it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Jordan and I are drunk and barred out at the liquor store sitting in the awesome $70 Corona bench bargaining with the owner for a lower price, all while passing the Belvedere bottle between the two of us. Real life. College has down this.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
