He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
Randomize
