every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I just did a line of coke with an Olympic bronze medallist. I guess we know why he only got bronze.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
all i'm saying is don't blame me if your purses are filled with whoppers
are we talking malt balls or BK?
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