we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
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