Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..
i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
WELL THEN WHAT DAY IS IT?!?! This whole having to choose between ruining my future and ruining my liver is totally killing my vibe
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
Randomize
