You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I was smelling my bathroom to make sure it didn't reek of weed...I spaced out and realized I was face to the wall sniffing it for 5 minutes.
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Howd it go?
Well we had the "no we're not fucking on the porch" conversation but then we totally fucked on the porch. So I'd say alright.
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
