can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
it was really awkward meeting your mom for the first time while i was still wearing the condom we were using.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She shaved her vagina in my bed. Good night
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize
