Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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