I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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