my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
are you drinking tonight?
I have an exam tomorrow
so yes.
Randomize
