Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Homegirl just dropped a candle on the floor major party foul. Thought it make you feel better.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
Randomize
