New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
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