I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
She's still too new to the group to be comfortable with us just sitting down as a group and watching porn on the tv.
We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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