Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Barsexuality is the new black.
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Well, I could just slap my dick to my phone and see what it says
Its a shame I cant put 'bomb ass head game' on my resume.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
