I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
he put listerine on his cock to make the taste more "enjoyable"... i think hes a keeper.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
Walk of shame through Chipotle? Check.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
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