So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?
bitches.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Randomize
