Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?
Vagina
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
You know what's worse than asking for the morning after pill? Asking for the morning after pill in a sketchy hospital in a foreign country where no one speaks English.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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