Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
His dick smelled like strawberries...it was awesome.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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