I had the most spectatular hardon this morning. I think it was trying to reach you in Wisconsin.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
Randomize
