You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.
she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
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