just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Of all the shitty people we associated with, you should be happy that I'm the one fucking your cousin. Sorry.
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Sometimes I get in situations where I realize they think I'm smarter than I am and then it's just one more thing I have to fake.
I'm about to be a big disappointment.
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
COCAINE IS GR8
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
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