Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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