im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
It was literally the size of a half eaten tic tac.
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
Randomize
