Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
Went kayaking. drunk. DID NOT FALL IN. Mission succesful.
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
BTW, does Anne know that we used the lipstick she is currently wearing to was used to write the word "ASS" on my ass cheeks last night?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
