God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
Randomize
