I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Dude I'm telling you, conditioner is the best for jerking it in the shower. It feels great and afterwards everything is all smooth
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
Randomize
