Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
How long do you need to date somebody until it is acceptable to fart in their presence?
The real question is how long do you need to date them to dutch oven them?
brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
