It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
where are my eyebrows?
Randomize