Well then I realized I had a bigger problem when I woke up a long board.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
You were discovered in a bush, smoking, and singing "in the jungle" to yourself. Which explains the scratches, but not the orange paint.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize
