You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
How do we stop her downward spiral?
Wine. For us.
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Randomize
