I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
In hindsight maybe we should have moved his homework instead of playing quarters on top of it.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
It wasn't a great time! You grabbed me, picked me up, and make me pee in the sink!
I woke up this morning and I had the absolutely horrific realisation that I am the human incarnation of scrappy doo
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Randomize
