I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I love how my cats smell like pot.
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
Randomize
