areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
We named our party play list daddy issues
so, on facebook you can become a fan of butt sex, and also premarital sex, but not premarital butt sex, which is what I was aiming for.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
High moment. Almost just passed the blunt to the dog.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
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