Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
