Just cropdusted the office
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
NO SHITSVILLE I just saw a homeless dude punch a pigeon that flew by him
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Randomize
