there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Im currently watching two girls making out. In the library. Hope your studying is going as good as mine is. Haha
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
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