I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
I don't care if his family has ties to the mafia, you go over there, ride his dick until it breaks off, put his dick back on, and keep on riding. Lather, rinse, repeat.
Thanks for the support, sis.
Sometimes I wish I could tell all my past/present hookups what the nicknames that my friends and I have assigned them.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
