before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
is it bad that the economy has gotten so bad that finding cheap gas gives me the same excitement and joy as finding a hot, blonde haired, blue eyed, tall, athletic single straight guy?
Having an 'SDSU Mom' sticker is just like say 'Hi, my daughter has an std"
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
he brings me coffee and gets a blow job. not sure if I trained him or he trained me or it's simply mutually beneficial beautiful.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
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