So today I found out that our school is known as the herpes school
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Just saw a man in a motorized chair roll by drinking a beer. It's 9:45 AM. I love Louisiana.
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
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