i would punch a child for taco bell
If it makes you feel better he went down on me when i had a yeast infection.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Dan I was a mess I made out with a 40 yr old who gave me a wad of cash for Christmas. Like wtf
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
