i'm stoned. there's a jazz trio playing outside across the street...scared that mike myers will appear & start yelling 'woman...WHOA MAN. WHOOOA MAN.' i'm snapping my fingers.
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
better yet, through the bookshelves. like an intellectual glory hole
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
I got so tired of my roommates fucking in the tub I took a shit in it. Surprise!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
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