last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
