this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
so I made out with a lobbyist last night. im officially a resident of D.C
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
For context, I was hiding under the pong table mooing at everyone by that point.
You are the tramp this city needs, but not the one it deserves.
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
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